Fights
One night too much to ask for first anniversay?
My and my boyfriend's first annivrsary is coming up. I want him to spend the night, but he's hesitant about it.
See, my boyfriend just graduated college and is living at his parents' place until he can get a job and get his loans paid off. Problem is, his parents are a bit old fashioned and don't like it when their son spends the night at his girlfriend's place. They haven't straight up told him not to, but around June he stopped staying the night in order to appease them. Once he can get a job he'll start staying over again.
I've missed him at night but I haven't offered a word of protest to his decision (we still have sex, just during the day). He doesn' have to pay rent and is lucky enough to have a real relationship with his parents, and I don't want to make life harder for him. I like his family and they like me; I feel like I can be closer to them than with my own family.
However, I want him to spend the night for our anniversary, and for the aforementioned reasons, he doesn't want to risk it. He's 23 and just graduated with high honors and is job hunting like a fiend. Am I wrong to insist he spend one night at my place for our anniversary? How should I approach it?
And before anyone cries mama's boy, yes, I've already had many an urge to shake him and shout "You're twenty three fucking years old!!!" I've resisted so I could save brownie points for an occasion like this.
DateDaily336 days ago
Answer 1 of 4
When a man loves a woman, nothing stops ...
When a man loves a woman, nothing stops him from being with her. Perhaps this is less about his parents and more about something he doesn't like about spending the night.
I don't think he's a mama's boy; he used to spend the night but he recently stopped - and you think it's out of respect for his parents?
Don't be naive. Find out what's really going on.
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StillFiguringItOut340 days ago
Answer 2 of 4
I would, when you two are relaxed and ha...
I would, when you two are relaxed and hanging out, ask him how he'd like to celebrate your anniversary (dinner, dancing, whatever...), and then describe the ways you'd like to celebrate it, various ways as well as him spending the night. What's most important here is he feel heard, that you understand how he'd like to celebrate it, and you express how you'd like to spend it as well. Communication is important, regardless the outcome (because you will both feel better with the outcome)
The fact is, even if he is living at home, is that he is an adult. Generally, parents should have more adult appropriate rules for him, and he should feel he can discuss them. He should be able to sit down and talk to his parents about how significant this date, this relationship, and you, are and that he'd like to have a special day with you "without worrying about getting home that night". And, he should be able to ask them about their concerns (does he have younger siblings that his parents don't want a 'bad example for', regardless of him being older)
He can certainly spin it as not wanting to disturb them when getting in late, or that he doesn't have to worry about how much he had to drink, or even to worry about the time because he want to focus on you. His parents are smart enough to know the reality, but sometimes it's respectful to give them more comfortable reasons, and then be discrete on his return home the next day.
And "worst case" if they are still insistent on him not staying over, you can certainly make it a memorable day; these times, when things aren't "ideal", they go by quite quickly, and once he has a job you will have much more freedom.
(I guess it depends if his parents influencing his decisions is a bigger problem then stated here... that's another question and answer)
Albedo340 days ago
Answer 3 of 4
It sounds like you two are sacrificing t...
It sounds like you two are sacrificing too much for the sake of civility.
My sister is in a bit of a similar situation ,except gender reversed. My parents are "old fashioned" she lives at home, my parents like him and he has his own place. My sister spends about half her nights with him. My parents don't exactly approve of the situation but respect the two of them enough to let them make their own decisions.
If you have a situation of mutual respect, between all three parties, his parents should respect the two of you to make the decision that is right for the two of you. Take it slow and remain friendly with his family. Really the key is to not make it a big deal.
2sweet4u341 days ago
Answer 4 of 4
I think you should ask him but ask him i...
I think you should ask him but ask him in a way where he doesn't feel pressured. Tell him to see if his parents would mind if he just spends one night. Say you guys are going to go out drinking somewhere special and its easier to go back to your place and spend the night so no one has to drive drunk or pay a lot of money for rides. Maybe that doesn't work but it's a suggestion (don't know where you live so a cab might be cheap and that idea is worthless). Either way try to think of something that would make it reasonable to his parents.
You could also tell him to just tell his parents straight up. He should explain to his parents that if he wasn't living at home, he would be sleeping at your house or you would be sleeping at his because its a big anniversary. Maybe they will finally realize their little boy has grown up to be a young man. They have to realize that you two would be spending nights together all the time if it wasn't for him living at home.
The last suggestion is to let is slide again for the sake of not creating any conflicts between you and your boyfriend, your boyfriend and his parents, or you and his parents. You said that he has a great relationship with his parents and so do you. It seems that you really value how his family has accepted you and brought you in. That is more rare than you might realize. To have a boyfriends parents be extremely nice, open, and caring for their sons girlfriend or even wife is a great thing and very uncommon. Maybe just let it slide because you know all this won't be an issue when he finds a job. I'm sure he will lock one up soon with the type of resume you explained above. Once that happens you can make up for all that lost time.
If you choose the last option, you can still do some really romantic things without having to be together all night. Be creative. And I'm sure you can find some way to fit sex into the night (be creative...it could be fun)
