Starting a Relationship
Insecurity!
Hey guys, I have recently been analyzing my relationships and taking an introspective look at myself. I decided to let my guard down and open up in this post about what I learned. I have come to the conclusion that I tend to become insecure in my relationships. Nothing overboard like smothering a girl or constantly calling her. However, I find myself over analyzing the interactions I have with her, looking for clues on if she likes me or not. I begin thinking about her more often and almost develop a "puppy love" mentality. If she begins acting cold towards me I find myself feeling down and blaming my actions. I know it is immature that I get this way that is why one of my goals with this post is to take the first steps on getting over this.
I know the basic tips for getting over the insecurity; stop it, live your own life, take your power back, don't smother her etc. but I'm looking for some real advice on how I can improve my relationships and PERMANENTLY overcome this insecurity issue.
BritishGuy145 days ago
Answer 1 of 6
Don't Over Analyze Yourself
Some good points have already been made but all I wanted to add was not to over-analyse yourself. Unless there is a real issue that you can see or feel its probably not a big deal. I think one of the important ways to improve yourself is to accept yourself for what you are.
I don't mean if you have some terrible issue avoid addressing it but I mean there are certain characteristics and they may not be clear cut gems but they make you who you are.
I think your metric for the relationship should be whether the two of you are happy where you are. If that is the case you are not nearly as bad as you think you are.
Remember glass is always half full never half empty.
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Albedo148 days ago
Answer 2 of 6
Ok so all this advice is good. I suspect...
Ok so all this advice is good. I suspect from your original question that you have herd it all in some form or another. As valuable as reiteration of a truth is I doubt it will really help you.
How about an actionable plan? Pick something you like to do, that gives you a sense of accomplishment and makes you feel good about yourself. Ideally it should be something you can do by yourself and have complete control over. Do that. Plan to do it regularly. Having something that you enjoy and that you are in control of is incredibaly empowering.
When I did this I chose a handful of physical activities: swimming, cycling, skating and rock climbing. These are all things that I love to do, I can do them by myself, I can determine my own pace and I can see myself improving. The ability to say look what I can do on my own goes a long way when it comes to self confidence.
Kyle Miracle148 days ago
Answer 3 of 6
To CHIA and SMALL FRY: If you guys cons...
To CHIA and SMALL FRY:
If you guys consciously use specific advice offered on this thread and it helps to benefit your life, share it! Let us know that our advice is good advice :)
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Kyle Miracle150 days ago
Answer 4 of 6
"When you're winning, who thinks about l...
"When you're winning, who thinks about losing?" (Film: Revolver by Guy Ritchie, 2005)
But when you begin to think about losing, suddenly you are losing. Think about a specific time when you felt totally confident, in complete control of yourself and totally reassured in your decisions.
Is that how you feel in this relationship? Probably not. So why is it different than that time you felt confident? Why do you doubt yourself? Why does her acting "cold" make you feel "down" or blame your actions?
It's not immature that you feel this way, it's a perfectly natural response. Understand that you are in a situation and you are RESPONDING rather than LEADING. Does that make sense?
What do you want in or with this relationship? Do you like having her around because it fills a void? Or do you simply enjoy her company and the perspective she provides? Does she complete you, or does she add onto the life you already lead?
I've found a lot of times I became "needy" were because I wasn't clear with myself as to what I wanted. I became a motiveless blob that was magnetized to her because she seemed to provide the validation that I sought. I didn't know what I wanted and as a result I tried to find that satisfaction in a girl. As anyone who has known someone "clingy" will confirm, this was extremely aggravating and drove each girl away from me.
There's hope! After many failed relationships - where I became needy and relied on a girl for happiness - I've learned to trust myself and guide myself by my life goals and desires. I've found that my goals and desires match up almost perfectly with a lot of other people. For example, everyone likes to hook up; it's still smart though, to use protection at first. Now I'm no longer a needy, sex-crazed boy aimlessly hoping to hook up. Now, I'm a man with standards and personal expectations. I am in control of my life - and ask any girl on this forum, that's a very attractive quality in a guy!
So what is it you want, Chia? Are you sick of being a chump? Sick enough to CHANGE? Then do it. No one is going take the steps for you. Many people in your life will show you the next steps to take, but it is up to YOU to take the next step. Figure out what you want and TAKE IT. Life is full of opportunities for those who reach out and grab them. Failure only comes to those who wait for the opportunities to fall in their lap.
Try seeing three, four, five girls simultaneously. You won't even have the time to stress about one of them not liking you. The reality is, not every relationship works out perfectly. The important thing is that the beautiful and awesome moments of each relationship outweigh the bad parts AND that we learn from the times we didn't reach our goals.
Always feel free to send me a private message :)
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Small Fry151 days ago
Answer 5 of 6
I'm a younger guy, not as experienced as...
I'm a younger guy, not as experienced as some others on Leftos are, and actually have some of the same issues that you have...so I would rather pass on providing advice. However, I think what StillFiguringItOut provided was EXTREMELY helpful and valuable.
I mostly wanted to say that I really respect the fact that you can swallow your pride and admit something like this about yourself. It's definitely the hardest part but it's also the only way to improve. We all have insecurities and things we're self conscious about but most people just push them to the back of their minds and deny them. Thanks for sharing this with us because it's actually given me the ability to realize that I have some of the same problems in relationships.
StillFiguringItOut152 days ago
Answer 6 of 6
The basic tips in it of themselves are n...
The basic tips in it of themselves are not very helpful as is. "Stop it / take your power back / don't smoother her"... That's like saying "don't become fat" or "don't be lazy". It neither considers what someone is feeling and thinking that underlies the behaviour, nor does it give actionable steps to meet those needs in a more positive manner.
I see the basics for handling insecurity, in interactions with others, as
1) Understand what you need... when something is going on... look at the facts, and look at the stories you are telling yourself and what you are doing... then ask yourself what you are getting out of reacting as you are (how your insecurities are playing out), what you truly need and want (and what you don't want) [important: don't spend too long on this, you will end up in analysis paralysis]
2) Set aside your needs/feelings/interpretations and ask your partner about what they see going on... keep the question open (say, I noticed you were being a bit distance, and I'm feeling perhaps it was from something I did... I was curious what might be going on, what you are feeling). This opens you up to hearing what is going on for them - which perhaps, and most likely - has nothing to do with you.
This is really about a good communication pattern, which is a good way to react to insecurities.
Firstly, it does not downplay how important *your needs* are to your happiness - it gives you the accountability, independent of all others, to understand and ensure your needs are met in a healthy manner - this is essential.
Secondly, it breaks the typical pattern of making assumptions about why someone is acting the way they are (insecurity has us making all sorts of negative assumptions, usually escalating non-issues out of control) -- really *it has nothing to do with you*, they might be reacting to something you are doing, but it's about their needs/thinking/feeling/life/history/etc, and by being curious about it you can both better understand them, and how your actions/behaviours may have contributed to the situation.
With all this information in hand... you both better understand yourself, and your impact on others. With this information in hand, you are in a better position to refine your actions.
*Most of the time*, it's not about your partner meeting your needs - it's about you finding healthy ways to get your needs met. This essentially meets your basic tips because now you are accountable to find ways, in your own life (independent of your partner), to ensure your needs are getting met.
This takes the pressure off your partner to meet your needs, and should help alleviate your dependence on their actions to keep you secure.
Then you can just enjoy each others company :-)
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