Issues with Family
Hate my girlfriend's parents
I really really dislike my girlfriend's parents. Her and I have been together for over two years and she's amazing. I couldn't be happier and I love her very much. The problem is that her parents are rude and impolite. I'm actually embarrassed to be around them. When we go out with them in public they have no manners. It doesn't seem to bother my girlfriend (or maybe she doesn't realize it) but it definitely bothers me.
What should I do about this? She's close with her parents so it's not like I want to start a huge riff. I also could see myself marrying her so it's not like I can just ignore this forever.
By the way...my girlfriend has great manners so I don't really get it.
IndustrialDoll136 days ago
Answer 1 of 4
Well
When you marry someone, you marry their family as well.. so you definatley have to figure out a way to tolerate them. You need to sit your girl down and talk to her about it... after all, she knows her parents the best of anyone and she will know the best way for you to approach the situation (and her parents) so that it doesn't end up turning into a huge fight. Have her with you if it makes you more comfortable.
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Fork in Road142 days ago
Answer 2 of 4
Don't Let it Stop You if You Love Her
I think this is a more common then people realize. I had a hard time with my wife because my family came from a completely different social class than hers.
My parents are blue collared, hard nosed peopled. Her parents were white collared, very traditional and conservative people.
Quick example...my Thanksgiving dinners include canned beer, comfortable clothes, and yelling dirty words while watching football.
Her Thanksgiving dinners include fine wine and liquors, dressy clothes, and conservative conversations at the dinner table.
I was definitely a little self conscious about introducing my family to hers and integrating the two. I also was afraid that she wouldn't feel comfortable with my family and it would have a negative effect on our relationship.
Well I never said anything and just hoped it never was an issue. Eventually I brought it up in a conversation and found out that she had felt the same exact way about her family. She knew her family was completely different from my background and she was afraid I was going to judge her best on that.
I guess the moral of the story is, you never really know until you talk about it. Don't call her out but bring the issue up. Maybe bring up something about your own family first that you are afraid might bother her. It's easier to start there rather than start by saying something about her family. You also have to realize that it's very common for people of completely different backgrounds to fall in love. Somehow the two people cross paths in life, fall in love, and it has nothing to do with where they came from. These things should never stop two people from having a loving relationship. There's too many other obstacles to face that are far more important.
scarlettewiththerope142 days ago
Answer 3 of 4
It all depends on the definition of rude
Rude AND impolite? The horror ;)
Seriously though, I'm curious, in exactly what ways are they rude? That's a big statement, and can cover a whole lot, from minor stuff that sometimes you might have to let slide for the sake of getting along, to things that aren't conducive to getting along with the rest of society. To me, the nature of the behaviors impacts what an appropriate reaction would be.
sexpert142 days ago
Answer 4 of 4
First talk it over with your girlfriend
It sounds like this is something that happens in public as well as in private. It's one thing if it's in private, but especially in public, there are social lines that they are crossing.
I would first talk to your gf about it. she might have some insight into it that you might not. Maybe they only get that way when there is wine around, maybe it's specific scenarios that bring it out, maybe they come from an impoverished background, and have never been taught what the expectations are at fancier restaurants (I still feel intimidated by restaurants that give you more than one fork, I don't know what to do, get nervous, and that just makes things worse). Anyway, she might have something more to offer to help you understand why they behave in certain ways.
Now, one of the things that I struggle with is that my Dad is in his mid-60s, and as part of this, he is going through manopause (male menopause, where male sex hormones drop). This makes him... well... senile. It's almost like he's a little tipsy all the time. He doesn't seem to be able to see the consequences of his actions, read people's faces, or have the same impulse control that he used to have. I snooped your profile, and it says you're 29, so your gf's dad might be in the same position. So there might be a biological aspect to this as well.
I suggest that you talk to your gf first, because she knows her parents best, and would know what course of action would work best. It would also be nice to have her on the same page as you, so she is aware of how you feel, and what specific behaviours are offending you.
Once you are both on the same page, and you both agree what the best course of action would be, the trick is to be delicate and tactful. I doubt her parents are going out with the intent to be offensive or embarrassing, and will hopefully be open to gentle prodding.
And my last attempt to offer concrete advice - I always preferred the very specific criticism approach. This means, don't call her parents rude. Rude includes a broad range of behaviours, some of which they do, and others they don't. I also doubt they are aware that their behaviours are being interpreted as rude. Therefore, if you have a criticism, try to think of very specific behaviours and instances. So if they are too loud at certain locales, then say that. It's easier to correct specific behaviours than general ones. If you say that they are sometimes too loud, then you can come up with strategies for how to deal with that, like dropping your voice down, making jokes to draw attention to their behaviour (and let them know it's noticeable), as well as gently reminding them "hey we're not at the pub, *we* better be quiet before they kick us out!". I think it's easier to talk to people, ask for changes in behaviour, or try to plan for how to deal with certain instances if you focus on specific behaviours.
Again, to stop this from stressing your relationship out with your gf, keep her on the same page, and make sure that anything you do, you do it with her blessing. I hope things turn out well for you! Keep us updated.
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