Male and Female Body
5 Things I Learned from Mainstream Porn
1. Women love semen in the eye. If you get it in the eye, you win a prize!
2. Your ass is never used for anything other than sex. It is clean, tastes good, and girls love sucking a guy's dick that has just been in their ass. Mmm... tastes like yesterday's breakfast.
3. The average women's breasts are shaped rather like pomegranates and feel equally as solid. This is useful if you're stranded on a desert island and need to crack coconuts.
4. Starting in 1992, likely as a result of radioactive pollutants from the Chernobyl accident, a freak genetic mutation occurred causing women to no longer grow any body hair, and those who had it to lose it.
5. The bigger your cock the uglier your face. Because you can' t have both at the same time. Ever see the really pretty girl with the really ugly guy? Yeah, that's why.
Feel free to add your own.
Comments (11)
Mentula295 days ago
Here's one I just thought of (though it's probably been said many times before).
When in need of a pizza, don't reach for your wallet, just take off your clothes. The pizza delivery man will always accept cash, credit, or sex. And don't worry, they're all extremely good looking. This rule also applies when dealing with: doctors/nurses, coaches, a mechanic, etc.
Albedo295 days ago
That sex is the only currency accepted by pizza drivers.
Men are perpetually hard and never lose an erection.
In order for sex to be good there must be enough room between the two of you for the camera to get a good shot.
The only prep you need for anal sex is to spit in on her anus.
madmonk295 days ago
Two or more college-aged girls in a room plus three minutes equals massive orgy.
Leave a girl in schoolgirl uniform alone for thirty seconds and when you come back she will have vibrators coming out of every hole.
The foreskin does not exist in modern American porn. Except when it does, and then it seems to be the only thing the camera focuses on.
I'm moving to the Czech Republic (with my girlfriend) if their pornstars are all as drop-dead gorgeous as they seem...well, we will buy one for personal uses.
HomeBoy294 days ago
This is a great post and such a great mockery of the porn industry. Of course as a 19 year old college student, I'm guilty of watching my fair share, but you gotta take the sex scenes in these movies with a grain of salt.
People who truly believe that the average sexual encounter is similar to a porn scene will end up being extremely disappointed in their sex life.
How about this one....
Everyone of your friend's sisters, moms, grandmas, aunts, and possibly even female dogs and cats will come on to you at one point. :)
oohlookasquirrel291 days ago
I have learned that as cheesy and unrealistic as the majority of porn can be, people will still watch it because watching people have sex can be really hot! Even if 9 out of 10 sex scenes are going to have aspects that don't really do it for you (fake boobs, fake moans, ugly guys, bad acting, complete neglect of the clitoris except maybe to slap it once in awhile), the fact remains that most people are turned on by watching sexual acts even if they wouldn't want to have sex in real life with any of the participants on the video.
A lot of people speak out against porn for all the reasons why it is bad, but the fact remains that humans as a whole like to watch other humans get laid.
studmuffin289 days ago
when lost in the jungle, city, cave, etc. scantily clad men/women will come on to you and f*ck your brains out.
when going swimming girls seem to always misplace their swimsuits... or the were never there in the first place.
one motion is repeated for fifteen minutes before they switch position with a maximum of three positions per couple/group.
there is never cuddle time after or talking. (unless terrible acting is involved)
Avtomat262 days ago
1. Fingernails + vaginal walls = bliss
2. Real orgasms are always accompanied by a look of mild disinterest if not disgust.
3. Sex requires a level of physical endurance such that it ought to be considered an Olympic sport.
4. Thongs are the only form of underwear available.
5. Semen is nature's Clear Eyes.
Simone de Boudoir262 days ago
1. All it takes for a woman to cum is your huge member thrusting inside her. From any angle.
2. The only acceptable camera shot is the money shot. I mean, let's face it people, ONLY THE PENETRATION matters.
StillFiguringItOut261 days ago
Women are instantly overwhelmingly turned on - they can't help but moan at the mere presence of a man, woman, animal, physical object... wait no they just spontaneously start moaning even by themselves
HomeBoy261 days ago
How about the fact that no one wears underwear in porn? Everyone just walks around going commando. It seems that whenever women take off their pants and tops, they never have a bra or underpants/thong on. Actually, even the guys are going commando.
ma4t233 days ago
If you're in a public bathroom and there's a hole in the wall with a penis sticking out, the only reasonable thing to do is suck it. Then lift up your skirt, pull down your panties, and back up on to it. It's truly the best sex you'll ever have.
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