I want to talk about sexual assault. I want to talk about something that not a lot of people focus on. Many people focus on prevention, on criminal justice, on reasons why it happens, on who is happens to, etc. I want to talk about what it is like to date someone who has been sexually assaulted. What do you need to know. (Note: I am going to be very mainstream and talk as if sexual assaults are something that happen to only women, and that all these women are straight. I recognize that this is incorrect, but I want to focus in particularly on the dynamic that female survivors have with their male partners).

Why would I want to talk about this? Well, one of the reasons, is because it is so common. I am going to use Canadian statistics because I'm all Canadian like that (eh), but the stats for the US are pretty similar.

- A 1993 Statistics Canada survey found that one-half of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of sexual or physical violence. Almost 60% of these women were the targets of more than one such incident.

-A 1984 study found that one in four Canadian women will be sexually assaulted during her lifetime. Half of these assaults will be against women under the age of 16. (2)

- For women with disabilities, these figures may be even higher one study indicates that 83% of women with disabilities will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime. (3)

(the source: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/sexual_assault.html gives citations for these, as well as more statistics, myths, and links to more resources).

Basically, if you have dated more than 1 girl in your lifetime, statistically, you've probably dated someone that has been sexually assaulted, or will be sexually assaulted in the future.

Sexual assault is not just something that strangers do to girls walking alone at night (although that is a particularly terrifying experience). Sexual assault often happens on dates, with men these women were initially attracted to, with men these women wanted to have a fun time with, until it all turns into a nightmare. This really complicates how women feel about the sexual assault. They were attracted to him, they wanted to have fun with him, they thought he was a nice guy, etc. How could they have been so wrong? what happened to the guy they went on a date with? What happened to the friend of a friend who seemed really cool? Sexual assaults are committed by family members, by boyfriends, on dates, by friends of friends, by people you have known for years, by husbands, and by strangers.

I don't want to get into too much of the details about what a sexual assault looks like, because that's not my focus. My focus is what the boyfriends and partners of women who have experienced sexual assault can do to help. What do they need to know?

1. You are not a psychologist or a counsellor. And even if you legally are, you are a lover, and if she is really struggling with what happened, and you feel she needs professional help, feel free to help her find someone. As someone who gets into sexual situations with her, you can be a friend, but you can't be professional support. Your relationship with her changes the meaning of your words, and if she needs therapy, you can't be the one to give it to her. But you can still support her in helping her find help.

2. It was not her fault. It was not her fault. It was not her fault. She didn't ask for it, she didn't want it, and chances are, she was lucky to get out of there alive. You cannot imagine the incredible amounts of guilt that a woman feels after being sexually assaulted. The self-hate, the shame, the disgust with yourself - sometimes it's harder to deal with how you feel about yourself afterward than the actual assault. Your job as a bf is to tell her that it wasn't her fault. It is your job to say that in no uncertain terms. Even if part of you feels like saying "well, maybe you shouldn't have been talking to that guy at the bar" or "maybe you shouldn't have gotten drunk at that party". Don't say it. No one asks to be raped or sexually assaulted. The what if game is part of the guilt. You blame yourself because you could have made different choices. Decided to not trust him, decided to call it an early night, decided to charge your cell phone before you left for the date, etc. Your job as her bf is to tell her that it is never alright to sexually assault a woman. Whether she be drunk, trusting, alone, or vulnerable, it's never alright, and YOU don't blame her.

3. Let her talk about it. It may be hard for you to listen. The person that assaulted her may even be someone that you know, or one of her family members. It can be hard to listen without judging. It can be hard to let her say details that made her cringe. I'm not going to lie. I've been assaulted. The actual assault obviously sucked, he could have killed me if he wanted to, but the worst part was how people reacted. Some people told me that I was a liar and wasn't acting "like a victim". There is no right way to be a survivor of a sexual assault. It also really hurt when I was trying to say what happened to someone and she told me to stop telling her because it was making her feel uncomfortable. Well, it was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable when he was trying to rip out my nipple piercings, but I don't get to say that. I even had a psychiatrist tell me that I didn't have to tell him about it, because he didn't believe it was pertinent to my diagnosis. Ya, thanks. So in short - let her talk. She needs to talk.

This may include asking questions. There is a fine line between asking questions so that you sound like you care, and so that she can talk about things, and then asking questions that sound judgmental. I would stay away from 'why' questions. Why did you get in the car? Why did you trust him? Why did you have more to drink than you usually did? etc. Asking questions like "how did you feel getting into the car with him?" "where did he hit you?". Asking questions like this allows her to open up, because she knows that you can take the details. She knows you want to understand.

3. Respect her decision about whether or not to call the police. Going to the police is a very hard thing to do, especially if you have no physical evidence. The police grill you like you're making the whole thing up, suddenly something intensely personal to you becomes a matter of public record. It's insanely hard to get a conviction, and even if there is physical evidence, your entire sexual history gets paraded in the courts. If anything you did could possibly be construed as making it easier for him to assault you (were you underage drinking? were you okay with oral sex, but once he tried vaginal sex, THEN you said no?). It's tough. It's really tough. your job as the bf is to support her in her decisions. She's already had her choice taken away, let her at least make this choice for herself.

So how will this affect your sex life and your relationship? well, it depends on the person and the nature of the assault really. The best way to find out is to ask her. Ask her if there is anything that you have done, or could do that would set off negative feelings. Make a safe word so that if she gets triggered by something she can say that word, and you know to back off and check in with her to make sure she's okay.

There are a couple more universal things. Consent is UBER important. don't joke about rape, or taking advantage of girls. (this includes gamer lingo where you say you get ass raped in a game, or the phrase "she was as tight as a twelve year old", or saying 'let's go find us some drunk chicks!").

And on an interesting side note, because I'm really into fetishes and kinks, there are a small number of survivors that end up getting kinks for the things that were done to them during the sexual assault. I know this sounds counter intuitive, and yes, it provides a great deal of confusion and guilt for the survivor. If this happens with your gf, just know that it happens, it's normal, and remember, there is no right way to be a survivor.

And lastly, these women are strong for even still being alive. They have gone through things you couldn't imagine. I wouldn't treat them like they are made of glass. Respect them for being able to talk about it. Respect them for healing. Love them for the beautiful woman that they are.

So yeah, chances are, you will date someone who has been sexually assaulted. Or you might be friends with a girl that has been sexually assaulted. I really wish there were more supports out there for guys to find out how to deal with this, and be effective in supporting their partners. Whether it just be listening and knowing that it happened, or helping her go to the police, or even finding her a counselor. Chances are, if a girl tells you that she's been sexually assaulted, you'll feel lost. This is okay. Rarely do people ever really know what to do. But maybe after reading this, you won't feel so lost.