The Ex

Q:

Why do I keep going back??

my ex boyfriend and i have a very intense and toxic relationship. he doesn't treat me the way i believe i should be treated, he's mean, he's controlling, has anger issues, and has no problem completely cutting all contact with someone...especially me. i hate him just as much as i love him though and i don't know why i love him! he's made me so miserable and so unhappy during the almost three years i've known him, but i end up comparing everyone else to him. my friends hate him, my family hates him and everyone would probably give me hell if they knew we had been in contact. our most recent interaction has been trying to be "friends" and hang out, but it obviously doesnt work. he has been texting me constantly, i've seen him a few times, there's been "sexting" involved, and the minute i break my wall down and tell him how i feel about him the communication is cut off. he's the master at ignoring people, this isn't the first time he's done it to me. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts and I'm wondering if that's a reason for the connection we still have? Is that the only part of our relationship that we actually got right?

i'm not sure how well all of that came out because it's hard to tell you about our relationship without you knowing every fucked up detail. basically what i'm wondering is why do i keep putting myself back through the pain and rejection for someone i know isn't good for me? i hate this guy for how many times he's screwed me over and just played mind games until i'm in physical pain, but at the same time i can't stop thinking about him.

does this make me a masochist?

partaaay


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Answers 1 | 2

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Albedo

Albedoover a year ago

Answer 1 of 3

A bird in the hand...

The unknown is scary.

A lot of times it is even more scary than the monsters we already know.

This guy may be a complete asshole and a horrible influence on you but at least you know that and can be secure in that.

What are you willing to give up for the security you seem to want?

Great Answer! (0)

Studley Do Right

Studley Do Rightover a year ago

Answer 2 of 3

I'm sorry but the only one to blame is you...

I know it may sound harsh but it's the truth. It's also what I love about this site...people tell you what you need to hear and what a lot of friends in your life aren't willing to say.

Now let me explain my thoughts before you get defensive and call me an asshole. It's not your fault he's an asshole...you seem like a very nice girl who doesn't deserve to be treated the way you have been. Him being an asshole is definitely because that's exactly what he is.

But the reason why you're to blame is because you actually put up with it. For starters, he's your ex boyfriend. No where does it say that you have to be friends with your ex. I know everyone tries to end relationships on good terms and no one likes to burn bridges, but sometimes it's necessary to just cut all ties with an ex.

You somehow had enough clarity to realize that you shouldn't be dating this guy. Your surrounding network of family and friends clearly agree. Why can't you have enough clarity to end all ties with this guy?

Like oohlookasquirrel said below, if the sexual chemistry is the only thing that's amazing then don't worry, you'll be able to find that elsewhere. If the sexual chemistry is what lures you back, then all you have to do is cut off all ties with him and you'll have nothing to remind you of that....no texts, no phone calls, nothing.

There's absolutely no reason why should still be friends with this guy. Friends are people you rely on...not a term you put on someone and pretend all is good.

So, until you take the next step to cut this guy out of your life, go meet some other men that can fulfill your sexual desires, then I don't see how you can sit here and blame him. He's clearly going to continue ruining your life as long as he's in contact with you and able to do so.

Great Answer! (1)

oohlookasquirrel

oohlookasquirrelover a year ago

Answer 3 of 3

why are you still trying to be friends?

First off, I don't think you're a masochist. That word is usually used to refer to people who are turned on by their own pain and humiliation. If that's why the sex with him is so hot (because he treats you like shit), you should consider looking into some reputable S&M groups, where you can find a guy who will treat you like shit in the bedroom (if that's what does it for you) but respect you and treat you like a human being when the sex is over.

Why do you keep going back? Only you can answer that. It sounds like the only good thing about him is that you have great sex, and I can assure you that there are better people. Good sex partners are good outside of the bedroom too. Why are you trying to be friends with him? He doesn't sound like he deserves your friendship. Your friends and family are only looking out for you when they say he's no good for you. Cut him out of your life and move on. Whenever you think about contacting him, remind yourself of all the awful things about this guy. Tell him that you don't want to talk to him anymore, and then don't talk to him.

It can be hard to get over someone, but we all go through it. There are a lot of posts on it in the "Breaking Up" section of Leftos (under "Relationships"), so I won't go into it here, but you should take a look.

Great Answer! (1)