So you want to be raped…
Oh, wait, that’s not right. A tad inflammatory, even.
Ok, so I threatened to do it, now I’m actually doing it lol. I’m doing a post on rape fantasies, and let’s just include all the variations and nuances of ravishment, reluctance, non con, and coercion fantasies in here too. Amongst defenders of rape fantasies, there’s a lot of argument that the term rape is inherently incorrect for this, and I pretty much agree, but it’s easier to say rape fantasy at this point. Ok, now, I’ll try to keep this concise!
Rape Fantasy VS. Actual Rape
Lots and lots of women have rape fantasies. This is an uncomfortable revelation for modern people, and with lots of good reasons. These are facts we all have to accept and move past. If you’re having trouble with that, I recommend the links at the bottom of this post as some food for thought. People also need to understand the difference the difference between a rape fantasy and the desire to be raped. To do that, you need to consider a few things: fantasy vs reality in human psychology, the definition of rape, sex vs control, and how it all can play with peoples kinks and fetishes.
Most people have fantasies about things they don’t really want to do. I enjoy reading thriller/mystery novels where horrible things happen to people. But I wouldn’t really want to be trapped with a group trying to figure out which one the killer was. That would suck. Did I enjoy the murder mystery party student council threw one year, for which I got to dress up and help host because I was on student council? Yes, yes I did. Getting my meaning here?
Defining rape is a whole can of worms of its own. For the long answer, I have a whole post on it: http://www.leftos.com/forum/view/269. It’s important to remember that rape is generally about control, not about sex; this is a very key element inherent in the dichotomy of rape fantasies. Loss/gaining of control can be part of the appeal for some (as control can become it’s own fetish, and a common one at that), but almost all women with rape fantasies still see it, in the end, as being about sex. They derive sexual pleasure from it in the fantasy.
I’m not going to go into defining kinks and fetishes here unless people seem to need them. I recommend searching those topics here on leftos and in the greater web if you’re generally curious, because there.is.a.lot.
Reasons For These Fantasies
Note that many psychologists, especially the ones writing papers and piping up about topics, tend to ascribe one reason as the main reason for rape fantasies, depending on the disciplines they may ascribe to. In real life, most people have many reasons for what they do and what their subconscious causes them to desire. It’s foolish to assume any one of these reasons is the reason why a specific person has rape fantasies, likes to wear polka dots, or has a cat. Etc.
Here are the big reasons I’ve heard mentioned:
-Past Abuse, Trauma, or Childhood Issues
-Alleviation of Guilt
-Desire to be THAT Attractive (in the extreme, Narcissism)
-Allure of the Taboo
-Allure of the Unattainable
Ok, so you may have noticed that when put that simply, most of these can be reasons for LOTS of preferences/thoughts etc in life. That’s because that’s exactly what they are. Yep, that means rape fantasies are pretty normal, lol. Exactly how prevalent these different reasons are in individual people’s psychological make up is a very, very difficult and tricky issue, and because of that it’s generally a good idea for someone with rape fantasies to consider them. I’d personally say it’s absolutely necessary for someone who wants to act them out (which, yes, can be done in a safe and sane manner, which I’ll get to later).
I’ll only expound on the reasons I have rape fantasies, and if anyone else has other reasons they’d like to add or elaborate on, I’d love to hear! So, anyway, for me it’s about this:
-I get really turned on by the taboo factor. All people, to some extent, have a natural degree of this. At the root of it, for me, is a strong streak of contrariness. I’ve been called a devil’s advocate since long before I understood the term. It’s bad enough that I’ll argue against points I actually believe in at family dinners just because I’m annoyed that nobody else is arguing for it. At Christmas when I was 13, we did Christmas at my Catholic uncle’s house, and during moment of silence I had to pipe up about some article I’d just read on how Jesus was probably born in April. To put it as simply as I know how… I genuinely enjoy things more when I’m not supposed to. Yes, I know, I’m a complicated onion of a person, but I get by, and even meet the occasional sick individual that seems to enjoy it :D
-Loss of control. I’m generally a pretty in control person. I’ve always had a plan for everything, I make lists, etc etc, and I’ve had to struggle with relinquishing control since I was a kid. There is some part of me that very much craves it though, as a release or a break from the routine or whatever. A rape fantasy appeals to me because it’s the ultimate trust in relinquishing control of your own body and pleasure to another. This could totally also have it’s roots in my essential contrarian urge lol.
-The desire for someone else to find you THAT attractive. This is one of the most commonly cited reasons for rape fantasies, and one that can be pretty controversial. This gets into a lot of sticky topics on female sexuality; there are some great links at the bottom that get into that a bit. Some psychologists argue that female sexuality is generally receptive, where as men’s is aggressive; essentially, women get turned on by men showing interest in them (HUGE GENERALIZATION). This is a really difficult issue for a feminist. For me though, it all comes down to this: human sexuality is not a logical process. It’s an animal process complicated by being attached to a human brain. It’s our individual responsibility to ourselves to understand and reconcile these things on our own terms, and to always respect that reconciliation in another. That’s why I’m totally at peace with all my kinks, including finding it a turn on when someone thinks I’m sexy, to the extent that it’s a contributing factor in my rape fantasies.
Acting On Rape Fantasies
This is a very sticky part of the subject for many people. It’s definitely not for everybody, and something that should be approached with caution, thought and respect by all parties involved. Participating in a rape fantasy is a risky activity like any other, and deserves the same level of precaution that skydiving does. But that doesn’t mean it’s an inherently bad idea :)
The first sensible precaution is education. This means exploring the fantasy, your feelings for it, your potential partners, and especially examining any potentially harmful issues that can be imagined. The web is a great resource on this (not the porn, lol, but rather the communities that are interested in these topics as a healthy expression.)
The second sensible precaution for anyone to take is to consider who they trust with this part of themselves. I won’t go into my rant about the need for absolute trust in your sex partners… just go ahead and read some of the links at the bottom to get the idea of why it’s especially important here. I especially recommend the first hand accounts here: One Rape, Please (To Go) – I paid a male whore to rape me because I wanted to http://www.viceland.com/int/v14n8/htdocs/rape.php?country=us, and Girl Talk: When (Rape) Fantasy Becomes Reality http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-when-rape-fantasy-becomes-reality/. For the guys, I recommend Why Men Should Fear the Rape Fantasy http://www.details.com/sex-relationships/sex-and-other-releases/200907/why-men-should-fear-the-rape-fantasy?currentPage=1.
Ok, so you’re educated about it, you’ve found the right partner… go! Wait, no, sorry. Now you have to educate your partner. You should never assume that someone else knows what you know, shares your assumptions, etc. In this kind of situation, with this much risk (to both parties) involved, never assume. If you think it, you should mention it. Things to talk about would include (off the top of my head): why you’re interested, why it’s healthy for you, exploring whether or not it’s healthy for your partner, exactly what is your fantasy (any particular details or hard limits?), when do you think you’d want to act this out (planned, spontaneous), all the necessary safety precautions (signals, so that if you want it to be spontaneous, there’s a signal for when the play starts, or if one of the partner changes their minds they have a safe word; there also might be physical safety concerns depending on individual fantasies), and anything else one of you needs to feel safe in this situation and still satisfy each others needs.
Ok, had enough yet? What would you add? Obviously there’s a lot I didn’t cover here, but it seems pretty long already, and some of you non-book people might be thinking your heads will explode now. If not…
Why do women have erotic rape fantasies?
(Article from Psychology Today covering the basics of what rape fantasy is.)
Why Dominant Women Enjoy Sexual Submission Fantasies
(This is a response to ‘Why do women have erotic rape fantasies?’)
Human Nature: Rape, Fantasies, and Female Arousal
(Fascinating, concise blog post examining a few of the facets of rape fantasy and physical arousal during rape)
The Fluidity of Female Sexuality
(Interesting article on the idea that female sexuality is receptive; I only wish it had been more in depth.)
One Rape, Please (To Go) – I paid a male whore to rape me because I wanted to
(Really, the title says it all.)
Girl Talk: When (Rape) Fantasy Becomes Reality
(First hand account of a rape fantasy gone wrong, with a really fascinating comments section that’s really telling about peoples different perceptions on rape fantasies/rape in general.)
The Sexist: When a Rape Fantasy Isn’t
(An article about the previous one! Should definitely be read after )
Why Men Should Fear the Rape Fantasy
(Good article on things a man should definitely consider when it comes to rape fantasies… I don’t agree with all the points, but I think if the guy from “When (Rape) Fantasy Becomes a Reality” had read this it wouldn’t have happened.)
PT Bookshelf: Irrationality, Sex, and Creativity
(Reviews of actual books about how complicated we are!)
Go ahead, have some fun
sexpertover a year ago
I had a rape fantasy at one point, but I didn't know that's what it was, and I didn't know how to really get it across to my bf. Turns out he was a hardcore sub (wouldn't find that out until after we broke up), so things didn't work out for me and my fantasy. I don't have the fantasy anymore though. Don't know why.
Anyway, for me, it was because I derive huge sexual pleasure from the pleasure of my partner. Rape fantasy is like the ultimate "do whatever you want with me". I want the person to do exactly what they want, how they want, the way they want, and they aren't going to think about my pleasure, just theirs.
That being said, I also know that it's just a fantasy. I know that I can say the safe word, and my needs become the first priority again. I know that my partner would never do anything that would serious hurt me, or endanger me, so there is a level of safety and trust that allow me to say "go ahead and do what you want" because I know that won't involve them cutting me, or killing me, or strangling me.
In real life, when I'm not with a person I know is safe, I can't let down my guard and be that open, and I wouldn't. There is a huge level of trust and intimacy required for the type of fantasy that I had, and maybe that's part of the allure too. You know that what you are doing can only be done with one or two people. It's something special, and intense, and secret.
Strange how I don't have that fantasy anymore. I wonder why that is.
Albedoover a year ago
So I have been thinking about this topic off and on since you, scarlette, posted it. I understand the attraction of giving up control, it is like riding a roller coaster with no seat belts, blindfolded. I also like to take control and drive my partner wild. So defiantly a switch. So in that context how do I feel about rape fantasies?
When I think about a rape fantasy I tend to cast myself as the victim. Being used for someone else's pleasure appeals to me at some level. I don't want to act on it but I understand why others would.
I really don't know if I would be able to be the "rapist" in a fantasy. I would need to be able to trust the person I was with completely. It is the violence that gives me pause. With enough research and communication I think I could get to a point where I would be comfortable with it, but it is at the edge of what I would consider doing for a partner.