Having a "Crush"

Q:

I don't get it!?!?

I'm a great person, I'm a very attractive person. I'm easy going, fun to be around, have a great personality. I have a lot going for me, I am just finishing up a masters degree, I have a bachelors from MSU. I can't for the life of me figure out why guys aren't attracted to me, why guys won't give me a chance to try to get to know me. I see great guys going after these girls that aren't cute, and aren't good people, and i don't get it. Why is it guys don't go for me when I am such a great person, in comparison to these awful girls? I don't think it's fair that I never even get a chance, guys don't even try to ask me out or get to know me, I really just wanna know why. I have a great reputation, and so many people tell me how great I am, and how any guy would be lucky to have me, but why wont they even give me ONE chance? People will play games with me and flirt, and pretend they like me and then i'll later find out they want my friends, or were just simply an ass.

spartyma10


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Kyle Miracle

Kyle Miracleover a year ago

Answer 1 of 11

I have an exercise for you to try, spart...

I have an exercise for you to try, spartyma. Whether you try it or not, is totally up to you.

Read what you said again. How limiting and awful does that sound to you? It's easy to hate life in a mindset like that. So what I want you to do is rewrite that post, but this time, OMIT the negatives and comparisons and TURN questions into statements. Here is how I would do it:

"I'm a great person, I'm a very attractive person. I'm easy going, fun to be around, have a great personality. I have a lot going for me, I am just finishing up a masters degree, I have a bachelors from MSU. I can figure out why guys are attracted to me, why guys will give me a chance to try to get to know me. I see great guys going after these girls that are cute, and are good people, and i get it. Guys go for me because I am such a great person. I think it's fair that I get a chance, guys ask me out and get to know me, I really just wanna know why. I have a great reputation, and so many people tell me how great I am, and how any guy would be lucky to have me. People will play games with me and flirt, and pretend they like me and then i'll later find out they want my friends, or were just simply an ass."

How much better does that sound? So much more encouraging, don't you think? The last part is something you can focus on. A girl who respects herself wouldn't stand to be treated that way...would she?

I want to let you in on a little secret, ok? You are not your friends' opinions. You are not the opinions of others. You are whoever, whatever you choose. If you choose to be a girl who is rejected by men, then you shall remain as such. BUT if you choose to respect yourself and seek the POSSIBILITY in life, rather than the LIMITS, you may find a great deal more happiness.

In the end, boys liking you is only good for validation (and a few other immediate benefits). Happiness is found in the bond you share with those who are close to you and those who are honest with you.

So quit asking your friends if you look good, because you already know it's true; you said so yourself ;)


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sexpert

sexpertover a year ago

Answer 2 of 11

I would just like to comment in particul...

I would just like to comment in particular on "point #9". You say that people have said that in order to meet someone you have to change yourself.

Do you have to change yourself in order to meet people? No. Do you have to change yourself in order to keep someone? Yes.

Every single relationship means that you will have to change. You will have to adjust, adapt, compromise, and learn. Besides what is "you" is not static, with every new experience you are growing, maturing, and learning.

There is good change, such as the change needed to improve yourself as a person, get along with people better, learn new social skills, and quit bad habits.

When you say that you need to change as a person in order to get people, you have to ask yourself, is it the big important parts that need to change? Such as what your religious or ethical beliefs are, or what kind of music you like, or is it the things that maybe you should be changing anyway?

It's okay to change, it's okay to try new things on. It's okay to experiment. It's okay to learn, to grow, to discover new things about yourself, and to push your boundaries. Don't be scared of change. It won't hurt you, and even if you don't like, it just change back!

Don't be defensive about change. It's natural, it's beautiful, and the best part if when you meet someone that makes you WANT to change. I used to be a total slob before I met my bf. I'm still a total slob, but now I'm getting better at cleaning, because I want to be clean for him. I want to help make our home more comfortable for him. Sometimes the best part about love is how it motivates you, and how it changes you for the better.

Just something to chew on.

Great Answer! (1)

scarlettewiththerope

scarlettewiththeropeover a year ago

Answer 3 of 11

1. People will rarely say negative thing...

1. People will rarely say negative things to your face. People start getting to be both too polite and too cowardly for it after junior high. Plus, these are the people who have already decided to be in your life in a non-romantic capacity. Essentially, their opinions don’t make a damn difference.

2. IF people really aren’t giving you chances, there’s some reason. This isn’t happening in a vacuum. It’s great that you like who you are, but you’re also unhappy with your situation, and there’s SOME reason. It’s not helpful to just keep repeating ‘no one gives me a chance!’ If that’s your strategy, then good luck waiting around for someone else to swoop in and fix it.

3. Again, your friends opinions don’t matter, because you’ve been following their advice for 28 unsuccessful years now (apparently). How could it hurt to take a chance, and try something different? Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

4. Stop comparing yourself to other people, because it’s irrelevant. Stop being embarrassed by the past, because it’s irrelevant AND counterproductive. Move forward, try to make yourself happy, and stop worrying about everyone else.

5. Try to meet a different type of guy. Don’t introduce them to your friends until you’re involved. Ask other people if you’re flirting and interest is apparent, maybe you’re being too subtle. (I still say try asking a guy out… I don’t care what your friends said, they are not you, their situation is not yours, and what’s good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander!)

6. Bullshit there are no clubs to join when you’re 28. You either just haven’t looked, or haven’t looked hard enough, because I know plenty of adults in various types of clubs. Hell, if all else fails, why don’t you take some classes or something at a local college? Then you’re bettering yourself AND meeting new people.

7. You’re probably right, people probably do tell you things to make you happy. That’s the social contract. But DON’T assume people are afraid to be honest with you… that’s a slippery slope to neurosis. I’m saying this very sincerely: consider getting a therapist. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about needing a non-partisan sounding board; you seem very, very unhappy.

8. All you have to do to talk to shy people is relax and be natural with them, and make sure you listen and try to draw them out when they talk about something. Asking questions and showing interest is always good.

9. I don’t think you need to lower your standards (well, probably… a lot of people out there have criteria for who they will or won’t date, and I think that’s limiting and self-defeating. But you do have to have standards.) You also don’t have to change who you are, you should NEVER change who you are for a guy. But there’s a difference between changing behaviors, trying new things, and changing who you are.

Finally, stop coming up with excuses for why nothing will work. With that attitude, you’ll only prove yourself right.

Best of luck.

Great Answer! (1)

spartyma10

spartyma10over a year ago

Answer 4 of 11

I have read some very interesting advice...

I have read some very interesting advice, but the one downfall is NONE of you know me so it would be hard to give a
accurate advice!!

1. People are always telling me all these good things about me, always telling me they don't get why i'm single. I don't either.

2. I am happy with my look, i really like who I am but, I just don't get why people don't give me chances

3. My friends have always sadi its not a good idea to ask a guy out, cuz that will push them away, I have made a lot of effort with guys, and Its like they wont even give me a chance, I simply don't get it.

4. I'm 28, I have never had a serious boyfriend, and that is SO embarssing. I have always been rejected when telling someone how I feel, But then I see these girls who are dating these great guys....yet these girls are unattractive, MEAN, stupid, etc...i really don't get it.

5. Every guy I ever meet asks me to hook them up with my friends, I'm flirty, I show interest...but i don;t ever get the responses.

6. There are no clubs to join when youre 28...and volunteer work I do, but it's ALLLL grls. never any guys.

7. I'm just getting bored, and I believe people tell me things just to make me happy, and I don't believe they actually believe what they are saying. People are so afraid to be honest with me and I don't know why

8. I am very outgoing, its hard for me to talk to shy people because I don't know HOW to.

9. I am looking for someone fun, great personality, someone I find attractive, someone with goals, someone who is easy to talk to and get a long with, someone I can trust and rely on..............i have been told that in order to find that someone I have to change who I am,. I have also be told to lower my standards....i don't think my standards are that high,


I SIMPLY DONT GET IT.

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RelaxIt

RelaxItover a year ago

Answer 5 of 11

Not sure if this has already been mentio...

Not sure if this has already been mentioned, but change up your routine. Most people do similar things when they go out. For example, when I was both in college and just got out, I was a single guy and I routinely went to the same bars, clubs, restaurants, etc. with my friends. It's just a routine. You get comfortable with the crowd. The only problem is that you're going to be fed the same crowd.

If you're not meeting people then maybe you just need to switch things up. Join some clubs/groups, check out some new bars, maybe get involved with some type of volunteer stuff.

Figure out the things you value. Then figure out where you might find similar people who value those similar things. If you're not a big partier but you're friends are so you always go out with them, you're probably going to meet men that fit their personalities more than yours. In that scenario, you're most likely going to meet a guy you like in some type of setting that isn't based around partying.

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sexpert

sexpertover a year ago

Answer 6 of 11

If you are unsatisfied with the number o...

If you are unsatisfied with the number of people that find you attractive (well, the number of people that you hook up with) you may want to consider different approaches that would still suit your personality.

For example. my friend is very shy and likes to be asked out instead of asking other people out, so the way she gets around this, because she tends to date other shy people is to say "so, are you going to ask me out?" and then they ask her out, and she feels like they have taken the initiative, but she also communicates to them what she wants them to do.

I'm not saying that you will be comfortable doing this, but if you can figure out a way to communicate your needs and desires that suits your personality and comfort level, I would suggest doing that.

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singlesuzanne

singlesuzanneover a year ago

Answer 7 of 11

I would add that you should try joining ...

I would add that you should try joining various groups/clubs/volunteer whatever in your area. Try meetup, or Sierra club or whatever you're into. You'll have a chance to get to meet more people and enjoy your awesome self as a single person and gain confidence. Nothing is more sexy than confidence.

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Studley Do Right

Studley Do Rightover a year ago

Answer 8 of 11

So it seems you're a great lady. Very p...

So it seems you're a great lady. Very pretty, very confident, happy, smart, etc. All the great things any amazing guy would be looking for. There's absolutely no doubt about that. So the biggest thing for you to work on is how do you let guys know this about you?

When I walk into a place (lets say a bar) I look around and see tons of girls. I know nothing about any of them other then how they look. Well based on what you've told us, you're attractive so most likely you made most men's first cut. (Scarlett is right when she says that most men under 35 don't consider women unless they first meet their visual standards).

So now that you're still an option after someone sees you, the next step is showing them that you're more than just looks but you're a keeper. Are you sitting at a corner table with a bunch of girls every time you go out? If that's the case, you're not putting yourself in a position to meet guys and show them how great you are. Most men would consider a bunch of girls at a table in the corner to be a pretty intimidating situation. Most men would probably concede that table and go after someone else. As a guy, I know that approaching 4 pretty women at a corner table is setting myself up for a possible embarrassing moment and I'm most likely going to avoid that at all costs.

So this goes back to what COLTOR was saying. It doesn't mean you have to go ask guys out but you definitely can't expect them to come and fall in your lap. You have to put yourself in a position so that they're comfortable approaching you. Us men are just as worried about our image and being rejected as women are (maybe more).

So be more part of the party. Be social. S_Jerusalem is right too. Most guys probably think you're out of their league. Show the guy that you think is cool or attractive that your not out of his league. Show him your very much available to him. I'm not a girl so it's hard for me to tell you exactly how to do this. If I knew, I'd be a ten times better with women. But I do know that there are things you can do to imply this and grab their attention.

I think scarlett is right, you need to stop thinking that it's guys faults and your just stuck with bad luck. Start looking within. What can you do to go find that perfect guy instead of worrying about when that perfect guy is going to find you.

And lastly, try online dating. For starters, no one has to know your trying it at first except yourself. It's extremely successful for millions of people. It sounds like you have tons of great attributes but you're having a hard time of getting men to see them. Online dating is a perfect way to show these attributes upfront without playing the games and bullshit. Considering you're also attractive, you'll have plenty of men to sift through and chat with. Just test it out, it doesn't mean you have to actually go out on a date but you can at least get a feel for it.

Good Luck and remember that fate can't work unless you give it a chance too.

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scarlettewiththerope

scarlettewiththeropeover a year ago

Answer 9 of 11

Ok, when I first read this, I thought yo...

Ok, when I first read this, I thought you were in high school, and I was feeling bad for you. But I just clicked your profile and saw that you're 28 and a teacher! I'm sorry, but at some point you have to stop saying that the problem is everyone else and look to yourself. If you're so unhappy with your situation stop whining and grow some balls! At your age you have no excuse not to be proactive. I'm 23, and I'd tell the same thing to any of my friends; I'm genuinely not saying this to be mean, but to help.

Maybe those girls that you think aren't as cute as you (obviously I can't comment on the veracity of that assumption) flirt more, are generally more outgoing, or simply put more effort into their appearances. It's been my longstanding experience that most guys, especially under that 35-40 mark, don't see natural beauty, they see primping and trendiness and what the media tells them is attractive. (No offense intended to all those guys out there who aren't like that.) But the sad fact is, most guys will never think to give a woman a chance if they aren't initially attracted to her. It's not malicious, it just doesn't occur to them to see you that way, when they see however many women every day that they ARE initially attracted to. You can either decide to make an effort to be more mainstream attractive, or decide you'd rather wait for a guy who's above that. It's your call. But there is a lot you can do to get around this flawed system.

So instead of waiting around for a guy to notice how awesome you are (essentially buying into the flawed system) get off your ass and do something else! Like the guys said, try asking a guy out yourself. If that's too much, try just starting up friendly conversations with strangers. Flirt a bit. Don't even worry about it going anywhere past that one conversation, just have fun in the moment; it's all good practice getting you more comfortable in that kind of situation. I'm over weight, and I get asked out all the damn time simply because I'm friendly and flirtatious. I met one guy (a surgeon, no less) that I dated for a while in Macy's, simply because I made a joke about something he was looking at and it turned into a conversation, which turned into a date.

Another thing I recommend, if you're really serious about wanting to date more, is to try some dating websites. I know that it can be nerve racking and there's a lot of social stigma, but again, why buy into a flawed system? It's your life and your happiness, so why not exhaust all viable avenues? You'd be surprised how many nice and normal people are online nowadays. Our generation grew up with the internet as part of our every day lives, and online dating is now a natural extension.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck, feel free to message me or whatever :)

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S_Jerusalem

S_Jerusalemover a year ago

Answer 10 of 11

I would like to elaborate upon this dial...

I would like to elaborate upon this dialogue with Coltor.

Your credentials and attitude indicates that you are at least quietly self-confident, intelligent and capable. Most of the guys that have the self-confidence to pick up girls aren't looking for girls like you (at least not yet), or they are already in a relationship because they worked up the chunk to ask a girl like you out.

I will let you in on a bit of male insight here: a huge portion of the guys that would be a great match for you, or worship the ground you walk on if that is what you are into, just think you are way out of their league - even if that isn't the case at all. A lot of guys are totally dense or ignorant when it comes to female signals.

The decent guys will not assume desperation or be turned off by your initiation, indeed the opposite will be true.

I suggest you ask out a few guys that pique your interest, particularly outside of a pick-up situation (club, bar, concert, etc.). Say hi to a guy buying yogurt at the supermarket or something. That guy in line ahead of you at the druggist while you are waiting for your BC pills might just turn out to be a guy for you!

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COLTOR

COLTORover a year ago

Answer 11 of 11

First of all, you can't walk around thin...

First of all, you can't walk around thinking you're god's gift to men. Sorry, but that's my first impression from your question.

Secondly, it seems that you have the same complex that many women have where you believe that it is a man who is supposed to find you. Relationships don't just fall in your lap, you have to look for them. Could it also be possible that the men you're attracted to are intimidated by your education and personality?

There are a lot of people out there looking for a quick fuck. Maybe you're surrounded by guys who realize what a catch you are and would never what to hurt you by going into such a short term relationship.

Unfortunately, you question is a little too broad; I could speculate for hours. Consider asking a guy out. It is super-flattering and I think every female should do it at least once in their lives to realize how absolutely nerve-racking it can be.

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