I have this image in my head that scheduled sex is for married couples that have children and can't find enough alone time between work, family and other responsibilities. I mean, when you are young and in a relationship, especially one that is new and exciting, it feels like you always wanna touch the other person and sex tends to be frequently more spontaneous than not... Maybe I am wrong though. I dunno, scheduled sex just makes me think of those commercials for KY Mine and Yours or whatever it is with the old fashion couples. more

BTW, not quite the question asked, but perhaps the spontaneity could be channeled into back rubs, flowers, a deeper longer kiss goodbye, or doing things to help out your partner (like cleaning up first or cleaning the snow off the car ;-) )... those things that were not done with the intent of getting sex, but most certainly will result in more rewards when you do get around to it :-)more

Looking forward to a planned moment allows the excitement and anticipation to build. It's still pretty spontaneous from how it all plays out (if it's more intimate or more passionate). It's especially nice if both of you can just put aside all the worries and todo's because you have accounted for the time. It's stressful when someone wants intimate attention and the other is thinking about getting up early, the long list of todo's, or other distrations... Since in my previous relationship, we largely figured out the OK times for each other, I'm not sure whether to call it scheduled or not... but we did schedule some romps outside our routine - like a weekend afternoon set aside. That was something really nice to look forward to. more

Haha! I *love* scheduled sex. This is partly because I am always running around doing things, and I have a ton of things on my to-do list, and by the time that I get done everything I'm exhausted. By scheduling time to have sex, it puts sex on my to-do list. It gives it priority, but also makes sure that it doesn't prevent me from doing anything important. Here are the reasons why scheduling sex works for me and my partner: 1. we're both really busy with school and work, and scheduling helps us find convenient times for BOTH of us (our schedules don't always match up well). If sex was convenient all the time, we probably wouldn't schedule. 2. It doesn't take me that long to get horny. It's very mental for me, and I know exactly what to think about, and what pictures to recall in my head to get me in the mood. This can mean that if I have a scheduled sex session with him, I can get myself horny before the time comes. Other people are much more mood dependent, and need to be horny first before they can think about sex. 3. I have really good sex and enjoy sex a lot. This means that I always look forward to sex. It's not a chore for me, and scheduling it doesn't make it feel like one. 4. We still have spontaneous sex. I especially like waking up in the morning and having sex. Our entire sex life is not scheduled. 5. There is ALWAYS flexibility with the scheduling. If I say in the morning "let's have sex tonight" and then my hip hurts during the day (I have a bum hip), then I can say "why don't we postpone this for awhile" and my bf will not make me feel bad. 6. And this is probably the most important thing. I hate saying no to people asking me for sex. I feel guilty and like I'm a bad gf if I say no. This is something that I'm working on, but by scheduling some of our sex, I'm telling him times that it's okay for him to ask me for sex, and it gives me time to mentally prepare (ie: get horny) and also make sure there is nothing stopping me from having sex (like homework). By identifying good times to have sex, if my bf brings up sex, I end up saying yes more often than no, and it makes me feel better and more comfortable. So yeah, I'm not married, and I've only been with my bf for a year and a half, but I really like it. It works well for us, but part of that is our dynamics. I can definitely understand why some people wouldn't like it.more

Okay, I have to throw in another fun toy experiment. I like vibrating butt plugs. (don't be scared, get a bigger one, because the smaller ones just slide right out). Do your research, get a good butt plug that is the right shape and size, and then use it on yourself when you are alone, just so you can get the feeling, realize how much lube to use, realize how it's supposed to feel, etc. When you are ready ladies, try having sex with your bf while the vibrating butt plug is in place. It's really cool! The wall between the vagina and the colon is actually quite thin (not thin as in fragile, just thin as in vibrations can travel though it easy), so when a guy penetrates you, first of all the butt plug will press against your vagina, and make you tighter, the second thing is that it vibrates, and the guy can totally feel it against his dick. I like it because I like anal stimulation, but sometimes a butt plug can be less intimidating than a cock. As well, it stays in place, meanwhile the part of your body that can take a pounding (your vag) can get pounded. It's a nice way to mix anal stimulation with harder sex. The other thing is that you definitely feel "full". It's an intense feeling, and is probably the closest I will ever come to being DPed. (most guys I know are a little too skittish to do a mmf threesome). So yeah, vibrating butt plugs for the win. Just remember your safer anal sex rules (lots of lube, go slow, stop if it hurts, and always use a condom, especially if you ever want to share). That's right, you can share. One day you might be able to stimulate the prostate of your lover boy - and trust me ladies, that is amazing! It might just be the pansexual in me, but penetrating someone totally turns me on. Btw, anyone know a good brand for strap ons?more

I never can wrap my head entirely around why a nation so obsessed with efficiency and productivity (the USA) doesn't just naturally embrace sex toys. A good toy is perfectly analogous to that awesome $500 driver Mr. Jones just added to his golf bag. Well, cheaper, but it improves his game AND makes him happy. Everyone could benefit from the right toy.more

YES YES YES! The three things that I believe in are: pleasure, consent/respect, and safety. If my partner is okay with me fooling around with other girls, or god forbid, turned on by it, and I have the consent of the other girl I'm with, and we use protection (for everyone involved), and hopefully I'm a good enough lover to have the pleasure part down, then all my ethical needs are satisfied, and let's party! I want my relationship to last. I am totally and completely committed to my partner. However, I also know that I can be a real rebel sometimes, and if I feel trapped, or pressured, or confined, I will fight against that. If I want to be in a long term and happy relationship, even just having permission to not be monogamous is sometimes enough to help me be monogamous. It's taken the temptation away from the "forbidden fruit". That being said, threesomes are totally fun, and I do love me the lesbian sex. It's nice that I have a bf that is cool and understanding, and caring, and knows that I would never do anything to endanger our relationship. I'm just kinda slutty, and if we can work with that rather than against that, it's much better for me.more

I'm in one right now and that's not quite how we do things. We basically have "friends with benefits." Both of us know each others' sex partners and we hang out from time to time (non-sexually). My explanation has always been that my partner is her own person and she has command of her own body. Who am I to tell her otherwise? What I get out of ourrelationship has nothing to do with sex (sure sex is a part of it, but we could stop and I'd stay with her). Thus, we trust each other and our friends enough to protect themselves and we all have a good time.more

You don't - he'll forever remember that conversation! Concentrate on something he does that you do like and reassure him, tell him how much that turns you on. Gradually start telling him about your dream sex, whether that be soft, sensual strokes or hard, spankingly hot. I read somewhere that trying to reward and commend good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour often works, if you moan loudly when he does something you like and are silent when he is doing something wrong - he will soon get the message. If it's too bad that you are no longer attracted to him, either try or end the relationship, some people aren't compatible. more

I think it's a difficult one. Love is more than sex, yet sex should be part of a loving relationship. I don't think I personally could compromise for no sex, or less sex than I, for one, desire. I know that it could only be short-lived, sooner or later I would get too frustrated and probably have to end the relationship. I've written about this previously and I still feel the same - If sex tapers naturally throughout a relationship, I would prefer it fade from ten times a week to five, than from five times a week to two... or worse one or even worse still none!more

I definitely couldn't. Sex is very important to me. I intentionally explore our sexual compatibility early on; I'm also a very open person though, and expect my partner to be equally so. I'm also cautious about serious commitment in a relationship, so maybe that extends the time line for me.more

This is a great question. My answer...flat out NO. A healthy (and fun) sex life is just way too important for me to sacrifice. I think you have to be sexually satisfied in a relationship or else it will lead to all kinds of problems between the two of you. This is one of the main reasons why I hate the celibacy argument, and when people say "You should wait til your married to have sex". No you shouldn't. Because, not to mention that you won't have a frame of reference, if that person sucks in the sack, you're gonna be locked into marriage that's missing a big chunk of enjoyment.more

I agree with oohlookasquirrel in that it is easy to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't satisfy you. And a big thing is that things change. A girl may marry an older guy, he goes through his male menopause (yes, men lose testosterone as they get older) and then isn't as interested in sex when she is still young and fertile and hormonal. One of you might get cancer, and then suddenly your partner is in chemo, and you're left in a stressful situation without sex, sometimes for years. There is no guarantee that a person is going to be able to sexually satisfy you for the rest of your life. So how do you deal with it? Do you accept it as long as it's a short term issue? Do you resort to cheating? what about open relationships? There are many options for you, including therapy. I do believe in communication and compromises in a relationship. So say I am much more comfortable in an open relationship, but my bf wants monogamy. What do we do? By talking about it in a safe and nonjudgemental way, we might be able to come to a compromise that we can both live with, even if it isn't optimal for either of us. Now, as many of you know, I'm pansexual. I also have this annoying thing where I want what I can't have, or don't have, so if I am in a relationship with a guy, I tend to want boobs more, and if I'm with a girl, I want to be nailed by a penis. I wish it wasn't that way for me, but it's something that I deal with. So what is my solution? I let my partner know. I let them know that I love monogamy, but I also don't like feeling trapped, and I at least need to feel like I have the option to branch out, and sometimes just feeling like I have the option is enough to satisfy me. A big thing for me is knowing what I want/like and being able to communicate it with my partner. Would I ever get into a relationship with someone who outright said that they would not be interested in any compromise on this issue? Probably not, especially not long term, and especially not marriage. I know myself well, and I know what's good for me. If I don't believe that this person is the best person for me, then I will go seek greener pastures. It sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but it also helps ensure positive and healthy relationships, so I don't apologize.more

Toys should be used, by both partners, both together and solo, both to spice things up or for that extra punch necessary if someone's just not going to get off by usual methods. My boyfriend at first felt threatened by vibrators, and I totally understand where he's coming from. How is he supposed to compete with a vibrator when there's no way he can get his body to do that? I explained to him that there are a lot of different kinds of orgasms, and the ones I have with him are awesome, but vibrator orgasms are great too. What convinced him was getting him familiar with a Hitachi Magic Wand. He uses it on himself and really enjoys it, and he agrees that the sensations are different and he's no longer upset by toys (which is great because I would NOT give up my collection for a partner who wasn't comfortable with sex toys). There are so many great things about sex toys and I can't begin to touch on it here, but I will say that they are a great addition to anyone's sex life. (I've been drinking so I apologize if I'm making typos or not making sense.)more

It would be easy to get into a relationship with a person who doesn't meet your sexual needs, because there usually isn't a good way to find out what both of your sexual needs are without lots and lots of practice. You might think you're compatible but then move in together and find out that your partner wants sex once a month and you want to keep having sex daily. Or maybe your partner will reveal a new interest that he/she can't live without but you have no interest in trying. I think it would be really hard to avoid getting into a LTR with someone who wasn't a good sexual match, because it is hard to know who is a good match without lots of practice sex. Now marriage, never. If someone is unsatisfied, they're eventually going to look elsewhere or be miserable and resent their partner for not being willing or able to satisfy their desires. This is why sex before marriage is a REALLY GOOD IDEA. You don't want to end up with a house and kids before you realize that you're sexually miserable and need a different partner to make you happy. Then again, you could always marry someone you get along with and keep a household and have kids together and have a different partner satisfy your sexual needs, as long as you have an understanding with your partner. I wouldn't seek out this situation intentionally, but I could deal with it if that's how my life worked out.more

I don't think I could. Clearly a relationship doesn't rely on just the sex but I definitely want to be happy in the bedroom. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and I never will so whoever I'm with is going to be the only person I have sex with. Considering that, it's pretty important that we can satisfy each other in the bedroom and keep things interesting. I think communication can solve this problem for any couple. It's just a matter if people are willing to communicate about sex and figure out what makes both people happymore

I'm not sure why this is a question just for the ladies... if anything, I would have expected the men to be more insecure about toy use by either party ;-) I'll give you the opinion of my previous GF... and that they are just part of the play. It gives you something to explore together, use on yourself or each other, or to augment things (sometimes he/she needs a little extra help / or you are both tired but still want to play / or one of you needs something and want to play all by yourself). I think the biggest risk of toys in bed is they can sometimes amplify your insecurities... but accepting that they won't replace you, they are fun, and exploring them or having show and tell can enhance the variety of your play. [and also, perhaps one or the other really isn't interested, and that's OK too... solo toy use is OK as well] more